Self Murder

Suicide is the last ditch effort of an impossible selfish person...this opinion was the unspoken thought at the back of my head since I had first heard and understood that people actually took their own life. My resilient, quiet, but always managing way, could not understand why on earth someone would do such a thing. To be perfectly honest, I still don't understand, and I hope and pray that I never fully do. What I do understand now is the soul shattering reality of having someone you love take themselves from you. Not someone you know and like, but someone who shared your life, enriched it with every event and made you smile inside and out. I understand the lung crushing grief, the inescapable guilt, and the dull ache that sits just around the corner of every memory. Is suicide the last ditch effort of an impossibly selfish person? In many cases yes. But, en mass, it cannot be painted that way. Sometimes, despite a team of professionals, and a horde of supportive, devoted family, an illness of the mind that is born of the devil himself, wins. "When people kill themselves they think they are ending the pain, but all they are doing is handing it on to those they leave behind." -Jeanette Walls. Shells of people remain behind, parents, siblings and friends with shadows of who they used to be, crying at the sight of certain wines, the sound of certain music, the discovery of forgotten items. Some recover, some are never the same. I don't know where I am at this point, my resilience hasn't failed me, but the right song nearly brings me to my knees, dreams are mixed blessings. I will be OK I'm sure, but I will never be the same. Though I am getting better and trying really hard, I can hardly contain a shudder when most people hug me. Before I even realized it, I had withdrawn from many of my friendships, neglecting the bonds that helped hold me together. Thankfully my marriage remained a sturdy oasis, and the friendships were easy to recover. Is suicide the last ditch effort of an impossibly selfish person. If you see the swath of destruction at it's heals, you have to say yes. But if you know a wonderful, caring to a fault person, with charisma, beauty, easy sense of humour and a quick mind, who makes that choice, you have to say no. We are all entitled to our selfish moments aren't we? Does it serve their memory well at all to think that way, no, does it calm our grief, certainly not. The questions we are left with after are never ending, are they?